Gender Binary

Recently I realised I wasn’t a proper woman. Everything that was taken for granted as being female, didn’t seem to fit. But at the same time I didn’t completely identify with the idea of a “typical” male. I appreciate that these are just stereotypes, but there’s truth in stereotypes. I have decided I am biologically female but essentially..have no gender.

This might be hard for you to understand, it was definitely hard for some people to understand when I’d talked about it to them! It never dawned on me that “the average person” never wondered about what it would be like to be the opposite gender, or was discontented with their birth gender, that they didn’t feel 100% female or male.
I’ll clarify, I feel more like a female, I am biologically female (even if I probably won’t be using the female bits for reproductive purposes!) and I never thought I was male. I do not have gender dysphoria.

From a young age, however, I realised that I didn’t quite “fit in” with traditional gender roles. With childhood mother and father games, I never chose either one. I didn’t mind being considered masculine at all, it didn’t affront me. I wasn’t girly, diminutive or shy; I could be brutal in physical conflict. I wore gender neutral clothing. But I was never a tomboy, I saw the appeal in dresses, I loathed sports.

Later when I realised I was gay this was partially explained. Of course I wasn’t going to be interested in boys. But other things, other feminine accoutrements didn’t come naturally either. I hated puberty, although I knew it was inevitable, and that I wasn’t male, I hated the fact that my body was becoming definitely female and that I was now no longer on a level playing field with males. I was soon going to become judged in a more sexual light..by males. I hated any sort of attention I got from them, and in ways I envied them that their bodies were barely subject to the same sort of scrutiny. It took me a couple of years to become used to post-puberty changes, from being uncomfortable with my body to working with it, or occasionally ignoring it.

But it was more than just being gay that set me apart from other young women. All the things that define “female” (other than two x chromosomes, or in “gender as a social construct” terms, identifying as one) seemed to be completely alien to me. I had no drive to have children, and found babies grotesque (yes, people considered me somewhat brutal and inhuman to not like romance, babies, nostalgia and oversentimentality. I thought this was highly unfair, as a male would not be subject to the same expectations. A male who doesn’t want babies is not considered in any way a betrayal to his gender.) Even now it’s expected that I will “grow into” a maternal instinct. I must clarify, I have no desire to go on a murderous rampage and kill all babies, nor do I have no feelings. Pets will not be a substitute for children; I love my animals but I recognise that they are by no means human.

My lack of sexual desire for men could be easily explained. It also seemed that being female, so much of society’s life cycle was based on the assumption that everyone was heterosexual. Little children have it insinuated from an early age that they will get married to a member of the opposite gender, and have children and live happily ever after.
I know that no one will go “aww” when I have my first boyfriend, because it will not be a boyfriend. Instead for the most part, people will be taken aback and affronted by what they see as my deviation from the norm.
I do not feel the need to get pierced, or wear makeup at all, and shaving is more as a response to withering glances than a strong wish to be “pretty.”
As a result, by not living up to these feminine ideals I grew to feel that I was not and would never be, a proper female.

But if I do not feel female, how does this correlate with me being gender neutral? Surely being not female makes me male...
I wouldn’t agree with this. I do not behave like a typical “man” particularly in regards to viewing other women. Although I have a sexual attraction to women, as the majority of men do, I know what it is like to be ogled, and I know what it is to be female. As a result I think I have a greater insight and respect for women in regards to their sexual attractiveness. Being gay, I also know what it is like to experience unwanted attention, and as a consequence I have never pursued my affection for women, in the likely event that they will be disturbed by my interest. I personally think that I shouldn’t feel so worried about offending them, because they should be no less offended than if a man approached them, even if they are not personally interested in him. But the fact remains that I want to avoid hurting women as best as I can.

I have however, on many occasions wished that I was male, usually for the fact that I feel at odds with my particularly female body (having cramps is not fun!) I also think in some areas males get more respect, and attract less attention.
I do not think males are bad, even if I am not interested in them sexually, indeed I see no problem in pursuing them as friends. I don’t, however, think any male or female should behave like a sexual stereotype.
I actually think that I have a bit of an insight into a male way of thinking and a female way, which in some ways is an advantage. But often I feel a bit confused about exactly who or..WHAT I am.

I am female, but at the same time, I’m not. I am gender neutral.